My feelings about fertility options

It's still not clear if I am going to need IUI or IVF. It is clear at this point that I have not a chance in the world of ever conceiving on my own. I will know if I need IUI or IVF when I go back to the fertility doctor for another cycle day 3 test. I'm guessing won't be until next month because my body likes to play games with me and skip a month. This is fine with us because the test probably won't be covered being that I already had it done this year.  My husband and I haven't decided if we are going to even proceed with the IVF route. We know that it is extremely pricey and insurance will not cover a single penny of it. Not to mention, just like everything in life-not guaranteed. Maybe we should just cross that bridge when we get to it. I try not to look too far into this whole situation. It's easier to take one step at a time instead of looking at the "big picture". I used to get so stressed and overwhelmed but not so much anymore. It's not worth it, what's gonna be is gonna be. Time will tell.

"You have been married awhile. When are you going to have kids?"

These were that exact words a member at my job asked me today. It's happen before many times but this time really was a knife through the heart. I kind of thought in my head, " Is this guy serious?" Does he really want to know the reason why I am not pregnant by now? Should it even be his business? Has the thought even crossed his mind that maybe she is having problems conceiving? My response was " Have a nice day, Sir", while cursing the daylights out on him at the same time in my head. I'll give him the benefit of the doubt and call it harmless and human nature to ask. It just really hurts inside and adds fuel to the fire. I've learned through this experience not to ask personal questions with people I don't really know so well. If someone doesn't volunteer information, don't be the one to ask first.

First Test Down- How Ever Many To Go?

I went for the HSG test today. My intentions were that it was going to be uncomfortable and I was right. It lasted for about 10 minutes. The most painful part of the test for me was the insertion and removal of the plastic tube. I let out an "OoooUCH" each time. You would think by now I was used to the pain but I can't seem to hide my emotions well with that sort of stuff. Other than that, it was a piece of cake. I am in a little pain right now. It feels like sporadic menstrual cramping. Now I'm just waiting to hear from my doctor. More playing of the waiting game.

I also need to call on the first day of my cycle for a cycle day 3 exam. I had this performed last December and understand that this will not be covered under insurance. I am speculating that my cycle might skip again, which would be a blessing because insurance will than cover some of the exam. It is all yet to be determined.

The Day My World Closed in on Me

We were waiting in the recovery room for the doctor to arrive to go over the results from my surgery. My husband was waiting anxiously by my side with much anticipated news. I had a clear sense that it was not good. The doctor arrived and sat down with us. He started by saying "You must have been in a lot of pain". A feeling of relief and anger circulated through my body. He then went on to add, you have Stage IV Endometriosis and we are going to have to treat this with a more delicate approach that I can not perform myself. He showed us pictures of my infected organs. My appendix was affected along with my left ovary (which was thought to be the ovarian cyst turned out to be a endometrioma), my colon and bladder were also on the list. I felt sick to my stomach baffled. How did my body get this bad? Why didn't anyone take me serious? My doctor recommended an excellent surgeon who specialized in Gynecological Oncology. She was top 10 in the country. If I may add, she was his wife. He couldn't have given us a better reference.

A Word of Advice

If a doctor tells you that the pain you are feeling is normal than I suggest you start looking for a new one. I have been given this answer that my pain was normal by so many doctors. Why would a doctor tell me this? Was it to make me feel even more crazier than I felt before as if it was all made up in my head? I'm not one to complain about being in pain but I tell you, I was suffering from pain-I meant it and it was not in my head. I don't want to put blame on any of my doctors in the past but still wish I would have been taken more seriously. It would have saved a lot of my time and time I could have spent being treated by a better doctor.

Next Step-HSG Test

I'm scheduled to go next Tuesday for a hysterosalpingogram. This test will determine if I can conceive on my own. I would have gone for this test last January when I had a laparoscopic surgery to remove a "so called cyst".  The surgery came to a hault  when my doctor discovered I had Stage 4 Endometriosis. Many doctors have told me that I need IVF but I really want to find out for sure. I'm guessing that I will need IVF and a little worried to find out any other news. I'm trying to stay positive but also want to be prepared for the worst.

You have Endo-me-tri...what?

This is the reaction I would get from my family and friends every time I mentioned I have Endometriosis. I have to admit I had no idea what it was before all this either. I never knew of anyone in my family having the disease. It was all a mystery how and why I developed such an unforgiving disease. I felt let down by a ton of doctors and I wish they would have taken the time to really listen to me more instead of making my feel like I was a crazy person. They made me feel almost like the pain was normal and it was something I needed to learn to deal with. I knew in my heart this was no way to live. So I decided to keep searching for a doctor who would listen to me. I eventually did find my doctor thanks to a co-worker and friend who I cannot thank enough.

So many babies but not one to call me mommy

I have an empty spot in my heart that is waiting to be filled with a special someone who would call me mommy. I will promise to take care, nurture you to the best of my ability. I will always make time for you no matter how busy life can be. Nothing can be more important than you will be to me. I will provide a life for you that you may not receive with anyone else.

Living with Endo-Part 2

The ultrasound did reveal that I did have an ovarian cyst and I would need to follow up in six months for another ultrasound. The six months went by and the ultrasound couldn't detect an ovarian cyst. So, we tried another doctor because although the cyst was gone, I was still in pain when I menstruated, ovulated and during intercourse. In my heart something was not right but tried to be patient. I switched doctor offices and thought to myself, maybe now I could get some answers. The first visit was very detailed but I was still getting the same answer that your periods were normal. How was feeling like you were going to die every month considered normal? Since the ultrasound resulted in no more cysts, we began TTC again.

So we tried and tried and nine months went by,  friends and co-workers were pregnant. Not us! It seemed like I was stuck in a bubble only to watch everyone else moving forward with their life. I became very uneasy and a little depressed. Can you blame me? My husband became frustrated with the situation and TTC wasn't very enjoyable anymore. It became a chore that everyone despised. I would have pain during intercourse that I would try to deal with in hopes that this time might be the one. But it never was. I had co-workers telling me, ya just gotta relax. "My husband just needs to look at me and I'm pregnant again", was my favorite one. Or "It took my sister a long time to get pregnant but when she stopped trying and it happened when they were relaxed. Clearly these people meant well but that was the last piece of advice I needed to hear.

A Slap in the Face

I've worked in a high volume photo mini lab for the past 8 years. It never really bothered me before with all the constant baby photos. In the past, I would dream about being a mother someday and move on to the next picture as I observed the members' order. Now, I can't even look at this subject matter and I feel like giving up but part of me still wants to sit tight and try to be patient. People tell me "Your time will come". It's so hard to watch everyone else around you happy and fertile. Most of these members I deal with, don't even realize how fortunate they are to have children. They take a lot for granted and I think it's a shame.

 I could not even begin to tell you what I would do just to have one. I would probably not even think twice about going to hell and back. My body has been through so much physical and mental pain with all the surgeries this past year. I underwent three surgeries in a two month span to treat my Endo. The second surgery led to a massive post-op infection that took about three months to recover from. I had a PICC line placed and was given IV antibiotics for two weeks prior to leaving the hospital after the third surgery. So, I would say I would go through all that pain times 100 for the chance of having a baby.