Time Does Help Heal

I've heard this saying many times but never really believed it. Time does have a way of easing the pain. I've given myself some time off from the stress of trying to start a family. As a result, I feel more at peace with everything in my life. I've learned to accept that if it was really meant to be for me to be a mother, than it would have happened or could happen.

Anyway, my husband and I have decided to keep our options open by recently taken steps to become foster parents. We were never the type of people who felt that in order to have a child -IT MUST BE OURS. There are so many children out in this world that are in need of loving homes. It's quite mind blowing. To answer the question for those of you who want to know if we thought about adoption, Yes. We researched it and it's not something we can accommodate into our budget. I don't see how these agencies can put such a high price tag on children who will given permanency. I mean I know that bulk of the cost is given to the orphanage but there should be a middle ground somewhere.

So this is the new chapter in my life and will be blogging more as the journey continues.

To My Endo Sisters:

I recently starting seeing a nutritionist and chiropractor as a test. It was really to see if I needed the fertility treatments and the god forsaken drugs. As a result, I feel like a totally new person! I cannot thank my sister-in- law enough. I experienced very mild cramping during my last menstrual cycle. For the first time in my life, I could say that I wasn't doubled over in pain for two weeks out of the month! It's amazing what can happen when you just make some modifications to your diet. All I've been doing is cutting out dairy, soy, gluten, wheat, vinegar ( my body is very acidic) and pork products. I am allowed one serving of fruit and animal sourced protein daily.
In the beginning it was rough but I was able to find substitutes- rice milk for milk, soy free eggs for the eggs I was eating and coconut yogurt for dairy yogurt. For supplements I take fish oil, liquid iron and a food based multi vitamin. The chiropractor gives me a pelvic adjustment weekly and should last for about another 3 weeks.
I highly recommend seeing a nutritionist to my endo sisters. Who really knew that my diet was causing me all this pain? That is something these doctors are not going to tell you. So stop letting your doctor pump you up or make you swallow any drugs. Make your appointment today.

Hanging in there

These past couple of weeks I have been focused on moving forward and not looking back. My past is not something to mark as a milestone in my life but did make me the person I am today. For some odd reason that I still don't understand why am I struggling with fertility. I am patiently waiting for the day that I can sit back and say to myself, "it all makes sense now".  FYI if I hear another story about how so-and-so got pregnant after the doctor told her she would never, I think I will lose my mind!!! For some strange and ridiculous reason, why do people feel the need to share these stories with me? It's really not helping me move on if that if what they think. I feel like I am being pushed back about 10 feet after listening to one of these stories. Sometimes people mean well but really should mind their own business.

A New State of Mind

My husband and I have agreed that this fertility route needs to take a detour. My body and not to mention our pockets have been through hell and high waters. Enough is a enough and we have decided to take a more natural approach to this situation. I am exhausted, emotionally drained from this whole experience and need a break. Don't get the impression that I am giving up. I am simply choosing to step away and have intentions of picking up where I ended off. This break will hopefully clear my head to help me relax. Afterall, isn't it when women are not trying they find themselves pregnant. Wish us luck of this new journey.

Moving on...

It's been four days since my Laparoscopy surgery was proven to be successful. I had a cyst removed from my left ovary (the one that was causing all the pain). The tube is said to be opened by my doctor at this time. On the right ovary, I had a hematoma removed. This was most likely caused during the egg retrieval while undergoing IVF .  My doctor thought it was endo because it appeared to be an endometrioma. Other than that, I no longer have any existing endometriosis on any of my organs at this time! I hope to live a pain free life for quite some time.

Dear Endo,

You may have broken my heart into a million pieces and stolen my fertility but I have news for you. I want you to know that you may be winning this battle but you may never take away my soul. Someday you will be history. A cure will destroy your existence forever so you will never infect another woman again.

Until then, I pledge to never stop fighting you no matter how difficult and unbearable you become.

Insincerely Yours,
Your Force to be Reckoned With

Where do we go from here?

I wish someone would just tell me the answer already. I understand that is how life works. Some people just have it so much easier than others. When you have been through as much as I have, you kind of hope for some sort of a break. Instead I am left feeling uncertainty and disappointment -I'm back to the drawing board. What do I do now?

I did have an appointment to see my GYN today. He asks "Do you still want to try to get pregnant?" My response with a tear in my eye was that I can accept not being able to get pregnant naturally or in the lab. What I really want is to just to be free of this pain every month. This is no way to live. I am scheduled tomorrow for a sonogram. The game is back on!

One Door Closes, Another One Opens

Our IVF cycle was unsuccessful. I'm not sure in which direction to go from here. I'm so disappointed and hurt. My heart feels as if it was ripped out from my chest and shattered into a million pieces. I honestly thought the cycle would work.  Everything seemed to be going so smoothly. For the first time in I can't even begin to explain, I felt pain free. Now I'm left feeling like a failure. This past year was devoted to "taking care of me", preparing my body before pregnancy. Now it's all thrown alway.  I'm back to square one trying to figure out how to live and manage the pain from the Endometriosis.

On the other hand, at least I have my answer. I knew going into this whole process that the chances weren't very promising. Part of me needed to hear it for myself. As much as it breaks my heart I can have some piece of mind that I can move  forward. Life has never been an easy ride for me which makes this experience less painful.

Thank you again for all your kind wishes, prayers and support. This may be the end of a chapter but only the beginning of what life has enstored  for us.

Updates

I know it's been awhile since I last wrote a blog but the truth is it's been difficult to type with my fingers crossed. My husband and I want this to work out so badly that we cannot put into words.

I can add that we are traveling down a better path. Two out of the three eggs retrieved did fertilize and were successfully transferred on the third day (last Friday). The embryos were graded at  9 and 6 cells. I've read that embryos should have 8 cells or more in order to be successful for transfer day 3. The doctor who performed the transfer seemed pleased and said they were baby ready. For the first time ever I can honestly admit to feeling pain free. By this time in my cycle I would be in such agony that it would hurt to walk. I am still taking prenatal vitamins along with progesterone inserts and estrogen pills. Thank goodness for not having to do any more injections. The injections lasted six days and weren't very fun...to say the least. I did suck it up and did what needed to get gone. I'm good on needles for quite some time. The doctors visits still remain for blood monitoring checking progesterone and estrogen levels.

I am still amazed that we have gotten this far into our journey. Our attitude has always remained positive and we kept focusing on moving forward. Time will tell what the next step will be. Thank you to all who have taken the time to read this blog and follow our journey. Your love and support means the world to us!

Houston, We have lift-off.

It's been decided that tomorrow will be our retrieval day. We are very excited and hopeful but understand that things might not work out to plan. Our attitude throughout this whole process has always been to hope for the best but expect the worst. Time will tell at this point.

So Far,,,Not So Good

Today we went back to the doctor which seemed to be the 10th visit this week. I feel like a permanent fixture at that office. I saw a different doctor because my doctor wasn't in the office. We had been informed that I was only able to produce three eggs when I was under the impression I was carrying five. Either way, five or three is not a very good number ideally for IVF retrieval. In a perfect world I would produce ten or more but I guess I just need to be grateful of what I have. I knew going into this process that I might not be able to produce more than five eggs. Unfortunately only three could be what we are going to be working with. The doctor did toss out the idea that we might want to terminate this cycle and possible try again next month. We could run into the risk of next month of being capable of producing only one or two eggs. It's just an endless road of possibilities.

My thoughts and feelings are at this point, go through with the cycle! We have gotten this far and although our chances seem very slim to none, we do believe in miracles and defying the odds. Keep those prayers coming & those fingers crossed!

So Far,,,,So Good.

It's been five days since I started the stimulating hormones. They have me on Menapur & Follistim. Since I am getting closer to ovulation, I am now using Ganirelix to prevent ovulation. I've experienced some headaches and dizziness within the last two days. Today I felt nauseous and lightheaded. The doctor said it was contributed towards an increase in estrogen. My ovaries are responding well to stimulating hormones and I have five potential egg candidates so far! At this point, my retrieval date could be as early as this Wednesday. I was so excited when the doctor delivered me that news today. This means that I will only have to administer possibly 8 days of injections instead of 10.  Not only that, I will hopefully be on the road to bigger and better news!!

A New Start

My husband and I have been preparing ourselves for the past year knowing that someday we would need to decide if IVF is best for us. At this point, everything else we tried was a failure. IVF seems to be our only hope of ever having a chance of starting our family and managing my Endo. We have worked so hard to get to this point and there is no turning back. It is a chance we are willing to take and we have been educated and informed of the process. I will begin my first day of injections tomorrow and this will continue for ten days. I can't say I feel nervous about giving myself the injections or even knowing I would require surgery because I am focused on the "prize" at the end of the road. This whole experience is starting to make sense and I can almost see the light at the end of the tunnel. Wish us luck!!!

Why do bad things happen to good people?

I ask this question quite a few times in my head on a day to day basis. I have been told "That's just life, sweetie. Life has it's twists & turns and road blocks along the way". In that case, I need to find a detour quickly. Alright that is how it is going to be. I just have to hang in there and stay strong which is sometimes easier said than done. I feel like I am trapped in a bubble in the middle of a busy intersection. I am not concerned with people watching me but me watching them go about their everyday business. Until then, I just want to wake up from this complete nightmare and have it all make sense.

Better Luck Next Month

I am saddened to add that my first cycle of IUI was a failure. On a brighter note, we always have next month. At this point anything is possible. It is a new year, a new start and a clean slate. I have to admit I was disappointed but I always knew that going into this that there wouldn't be any guarantees. I felt like I prepared for a test, studied my brains out only to learn that I failed miserably. Feeling sorry for yourself will only prevent you from moving forward. Until than, the sky is the limit and once again time will tell.